cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
