butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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