I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
