You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
