I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
then he tried to convert me to islam
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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