I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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