So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
