My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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