I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
