btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
