the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
