Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
