Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
