Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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