Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
