Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
