he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
