Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
