i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
