I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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