i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
