Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
