You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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