Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
