My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY