my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
