Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I woke up under a house in Key West
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
