he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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