i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
