Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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