so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
