I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
