Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
