The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
