you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
