Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
