3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
