last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
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I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
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You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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