I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
