Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
