the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
