I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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