What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
