i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
