go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
