U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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