I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
