there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
