I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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