nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
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And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
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He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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