i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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