dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
