My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
