I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You took a bar mat shot.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
