3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
