How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
