I hate your face
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
