you traded sex for a burrito?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
