in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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